We here at MojoFiction recently decided to throw our hat into the presidential race. You probably saw the announcement on the popular cable news channel, C-SPAN 5 en Español.
Anyway, with the NSA’s advanced brain-scanning techniques (what, you didn’t know? Don’t worry, they already knew that you didn’t know), we have decided that complete transparency is the only way to go until they stop that spying program and then who knows what we’ll say to get what we want.
But the important thing is transparency of the things that we want you to know about. Unlike the other candidates, who are only willing to discuss the here and now, MojoFiction is committed to letting the voters in on everything that’s going to happen during our presidency. That way no one can complain, except on Twitter and in Facebook comments.
How can we do this? Back when Mr. Peabody and Sherman came out on Blu-Ray, we bought the special Best Buy edition that came with a replica Way-Back Machine. So we went forward in time to the publication of our post-presidency memoir and brought it back. Not only is this going to save us tons of time writing it later, but it’s also going to let us know who our vice-president is because we should probably know that.
So here you go. Full disclosure. If you vote for us, this is what’s going to happen:
Jan. 20, 1017
We were supposed to give a speech called the Inaugural Address. Well, no one told us not eat 6 Doritos Locos Tacos with hot sauce an hour beforehand. Let’s just say they didn’t agree with us and we feel sorry for the three senators and one Supreme Court justice who sat right behind us and were caught in the crossfire. A national day of mourning was declared.
April 23, 2017
Apparently, our vice president is actually an internet kitten named Cutie Paws. That may explain how we were elected president.
July 4, 2017
In honor of our nation’s birth, China tried to destroy our country by beaming reruns of Randy Jackson’s final year on American Idol onto our TV screens. We responded by dropping the actual Randy Jackson into China. Your move, Beijing.
September 16, 2017
The President’s Book of Secrets is actually real, which means the Freemasons weren’t crazy. Turns out, the world really is resting on the back of a turtle, and underneath that turtle is a larger turtle. Jefferson knew all about it. Know what else was in that book? The script to Avatar 2. Trust us, you are not going to be happy.
May 3, 2018
Our sincerest apologies to Iowa. Iowa is four letters; Iraq is four letters. They both begin with the letter “I.” So those drones were just a little off target. Simple human error. Look, Iowa, you really shouldn’t be so upset that Des Moines is gone, you should be upset that it took everyone six months to notice.
August 24, 2018
Federal agents raided MojoFiction’s literary offices on the suspicion that there is actually only one employee, meaning every time MojoFiction has said, “The good folks here at MojoFiction,” we were really just referring to that one guy. We’re not sure who tipped off the feds, but we here at MojoFiction questioned the entire staff and found them to be completely trustworthy and, if we’re being honest, really good-looking.
November 8, 2018
We narrowly avoided an embarrassing international incident with France over a crumpet. When asked repeatedly by British journalists why we would bother to avoid embarrassing France we said, “They’ve had enough.” Everyone had a good laugh and then we all went down to the pub for a pint.
March 14, 2019
An international scandal came to a head when Secretary of State, Andy Samberg, admitted publicly that when Middle East leaders drafted an accord that would guarantee peace in all nations for the next 100 years, he “threw it to the ground.” Well, the next president can worry about that one. On an unrelated note, we appointed a new Secretary of State named Adam Sandler. That should work out a lot better.
July 19, 2020
We solved the nation’s worst water crisis by dividing the country up into 13 insanely poor districts and one super-rich megacity. Then we made random people from each district fight each other to the death for our entertainment. Worked great.
November 7, 2020
We tried to run for a second term, but Cutie Paws won by a landslide. Did not see that coming.
August 23, 2021
We had just launched our official presidential memoir when this guy shows up at the book signing claiming he needed a copy to take back with him to 2015 in order to secure his presidential bid. Dude was crazy, and kind of a douche.
Back to the present…
See? it can’t get any more transparent than that. That’s why you should vote for MojoFiction in 2016. No one else is going to tell you the future with such a straight face. What’s that? The NSA’s spying program was declared illegal? …Uhm, okay, see, MojoFiction totally brings peace and prosperity to the country for his entire presidency. But only for those who voted for him. So think about that when you go to the polls.
1. Did you know that our future self charged us $39.95 for our own memoir? What a jerk.
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