Invasion of the Bing Searches (in 3D)

Ever have one of those moments where you bring up Internet Explorer, type in a web address, and instead of taking you to the website it brings up a Bing search? You double-check your browser and see that, yes, you typed in the address correctly?

Well, there must be something wrong with you because that has never happened to anyone working at MojoFiction. Not usually anyway. Okay, sometimes, but not nearly enough to write a whole ranting blog post about it. So, instead, we’ve elected to write about something far more dangerous to mankind: Popular Bing Searches.

See, we here at Google MojoFiction landed on the MSN homepage today, where we are always amused by the Bing searches sections. There are two sections: Bing Popular Searches and, you’ve guessed it, Bing MORE Popular Searches. What could be more popular than popular? Seeing that, we did what any sane person would do, we went to Google and typed in Bing Searches.

In a strange coincidence, the power went out at that exact moment. Then the doorbell rang. We opened the door and were unpleasantly surprised to find the FBI waiting impatiently.

MojoFiction: “Can we help you?”

FBI: “Did you just Google Bing?”

Mojo: “…No?”

FBI: “Bulls–”

We have no idea what happened after that because we mysteriously blacked out. When we came to the FBI was gone and everything seemed normal. But now we have this sore spot on our shoulder and something just under the skin is blinking. It’s probably nothing.

Anyway, we went back to MSN and the popular Bing searches and here’s what we discovered: What you think a headline is about is usually not what it’s about. Here were this morning’s Popular Searches. Let’s highlight a few that we clicked on:

PERRY ON DIVORCE: Tyler Perry? He already has, like, 10 movies on the subject. Someone searched that?

‘ALOHA’ UPSETS HAWAIIANS: Because Hawaiians are afraid that you mean you might come back one day. Next time try “Sayonara, bitches!” instead. Then there’s no confusion and the locals will appreciate you more for it.

‘POTTER STAR’S RACY PHOTOS: Okay, this was a photo-shoot of a dude. Advanced warning would have been nice.

GARFUNKEL RIPS SIMON: Turns out this is something the young people are saying today to indicate that someone passed gas. “Oh, man, Billy just ripped a Simon!”

ACTRESS ‘TOO OLD’ FOR ROLE: Actresses are like athletes: they have a 15-year window. After that they should invest in some car dealerships or something, because it’s over. Male actors, on the other hand, are superstars until around 75. And after that they become legends. It’s totally fair. Don’t try to change it.

DANICA’S YOGA SKILLS: In our defense, we thought it said “Danica’s Yogurt Skills.” So … never mind.

And, of course, the MORE Popular Searches:

RUSH LIMBAUGH DROPPED: From how high exactly?

ADULT DATING SITE HACK’S REVEAL: Interestingly, it revealed not only the location of the Grail, but also that yellow will be this year’s go-to color for summer.

MISSING PAIR FOUND: This was about those socks that you lost after doing the laundry. Lose one and you’ll never find it. But both go missing and suddenly, BOOM!, there they are, right under the bed.

SINGER STUNS AT 69: That’s what happens when someone accidentally scares you while you’re holding a stun gun.

RECRUIT DROPS 180 POUNDS: It was actually more than that, but they were being polite to Rush Limbaugh.

ACTOR CAN’T SHAKE LIMP: We thought this was about someone giving a limp handshake. It was not. And now we can’t unsee it.

JEN ANISTON IN PEAK FORM: Or she was, until someone found out she was over 40 and excommunicated her from Hollywood.

TEXAS TEEN SAW JESUS: Setting aside the fact that we all know that Jesus lives in Texas, should we really believe that with all the flooding they just got in Texas that this is what people searched for? We are a sad people.

And there you have it. Once again, MojoFiction has saved the world by talking about pointless stuff. We totally deserve a medal. Or at least an internet search.