God is a Bears Fan, and Other Questions Answered

We bet they win right after we post this...

We bet they win right after we post this…

The staff here at MojoFiction has provided a lot of high-quality life advice to our readers over the years. We explained why your man hasn’t proposed (it’s not him, it’s you), we provided practical dating advice that every guy needs to know (such as: dont’ date), and we offered irrefutable proof that men are smarter than women (disclaimer: it may be refutable).

Unfortunately, it has come to our attention that no one asked for this advice, which hardly makes any sense to us and so must be some sort of internet prank. Anyway, to combat this apathy, the C-suite at MojoFiction decided to take it directly to our readers and ask them to send us the important questions they wanted answered about life, the universe, and some other stuff.

When no one replied, we politely offered to keep our blog going forever, even in the afterlife, and now we have, like, 60,000 replies. So after months of reading and reviewing, we did what anyone would and we randomly selected a bunch because we were tired and needed some sleep.

Question:

Dear Mojo, what’s up with life and the universe?

Sincerely,

Pam in Rhode Island

Answer:

Right?

Question:

Dear Mojo, is God a Packers fan?

Thanks,

Rob in Madison

Answer:

This is a common misconception. As you know, everyone says that God has a sense of humor. And anyone with a sense of humor must be a Chicago Bears fan. How else do you explain a quarterback who takes a stiff-arm to the helmet and it results in a hamstring pull? Comedy gold!

Question:

Dear Mojo, have you ever found yourself in a Barnes and Noble cafe, having not actually purchased a book or magazine or anything, trying to keep your head down and write a blog while the guy sitting next to you makes that annoying sucking sound while he tries to get every last drop of his caramel macchiato through that short, green straw and he just won’t stop even though that cup has to be bone dry but somehow he’s able to keep making the sound and you just want to scream but it’s a bookstore so you’d feel bad so you don’t?

Anonymous in Illinois

Answer:

No.

Question:

Dear Mojo, my name is Alyanna and I live in small town in Russia. I seek handsome and muscular man like you for husband and when I see your Facebook profile I contact you right away. I only need $5000 US dollars wired to this account and I come to your house soon. Here is picture to show how hot I am. Is authentic picture.

With love,

Alyanna in Russia

Answer:

I wasn’t going to, but you are hot…

Question:

Dear Mojo, last weekend I had an argument with my boyfriend and it turns out that I was completely wrong but I am not going to apologize because he should have admitted that he was wrong to keep arguing with me after I clearly communicated to him that I wasn’t going to confess to my error anytime soon. I communicated this by continuing to argue with him because being correct about something does not make him in the right. And also he’s stupid. What should I do?

Lisa in Madison

Answer:

Cook him a nice pasta dinner, but make sure to secretly dwell on the incident in question until you come to the realization that you were never really wrong at all, regardless of the facts, and that it’s all his fault that you guys are breaking up because all he does is tell you how wrong you are, especially when you are incredibly wrong, which is really the problem.

Did I mention that you were breaking up? Sorry, I should have said that at the beginning. I actually saw him the other day hanging out with Jenny from the apartment upstairs. She’s pretty hot.

Question:

Dear Mojo, my son is 10 years old, but he doesn’t like sports. I was the quarterback of my high school football team. What should I do?

Patrick in Long Island

Answer:

Does your son like comedy? If so, take him to a Bears game. Win-Win. Except for the Bears.

Question:

Dear Mojo, not getting enough women on a Saturday night? Just click this link to find out how to score very time!

Answer:

Not this time, buddy. Fool us 4 times, shame on you.

Dear Mojo, someone ripped one on the train today. Should I have said something?

Thanks,

Randall in Chicago

Answer:

You should have jumped up, pointed right at the culprit and shouted “It was him!” This works even better if the culprit was actually you.

Question:

Dear Mojo, I was at the bookstore and I saw they have a biography of Chris Pratt. Wha…?

Answer:

How long until they have the true life stories of kindergarteners, right? Sorry, that was another question. Hmmm… Should we answer it? This is an advice column. Well, Mojo, it would just be a guess, but let’s say 5 years.

Question:

Dear Mojo, now that Kaley Cuoco is back on the market, do I stand a chance?

Phil in Philly

Answer:

Yes! Go to her house at around midnight and declare your love really loudly. Invite TMZ.

Question:

Dear Mojo, how the f#%$ did they get 3 movies out of The Hobbit?

Confused in America

Answer:

A better question is, why did you watch all 3 movies?

Question:

Did you watch all 3 movies?

Answer:

Shut up. We can do what we want. This is our blog and we’re taking it and going home.

And that’s just what we did.

The end.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s