Remember When Twitter’s Annual Revenues Were Slightly Less Than the Previous Fiscal Year and It Caused the Sun to Expand and Annihilate the Earth?

a mystery lost to time...
a mystery lost to time…

According to the Onondaga story of creation, the Earth rests on the back of the Great Turtle. And the Great Turtle rests on the back of a Tweet, and that Tweet in turn rests on the back of a larger Tweet, and that pretty much ends it because Tweets can only get so large. So while the Earth was placed on the back of the Great Turtle by the ancient animals, the Great Turtle, and, therefore, the universe, was clearly Tweeted out #AndItWasGood.

As Douglas Adams famously noted, “this made a lot of people very angry.” But once a Tweet is out there you can’t do much about it because someone has already re-Tweeted it or took a screenshot and posted it on their Facebook page.

So, as you can see, even the ancient Native Americans understood the divine nature and universal importance of Twitter.

This completely explains why just a few days ago Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey, in a letter to his employees explaining why he was cutting around 800 jobs, said, in very large quotes:

The world needs a strong Twitter.

The WORLD … NEEDS … a strong Twitter.

Truer words were never spoken.

But besides supporting the entire Earth on a little bird icon, why exactly does the world need a strong Twitter? MojoFiction set out to find out exactly that.

We started our journey by speaking with a professor of world religions at our local university. She could have spent hours debating the finer points of the ancient American Twitter myth, but what really interested her was the book of Revelations which states 144,000 shall be sealed. They represent the 12,000 from each of the 12 tribes of Israel. 12 x 12 = 144. A Tweet is 144 characters.

And then there was this rarely seen biblical Snapchat:

Remember when Indiana Jones finally found the prize #TweetOfTheCovenant?

As interesting, and possibly blasphemous, as this was (we said, like, 16 Hail Mary’s), we wanted something that felt more immediate. So we visited the brilliant scientists at CERN, who for years have been trying to force two random Tweets to collide inside their underground laboratories. Well, it finally happened this past Saturday and, Behold! Tinder was created.

When they realized there were no 20-somethings around their dork lab to actually enjoy Tinder with, the scientists granted us an interview. Can science explain the global necessity for Twitter? They quickly pointed to the unseen dangers of space:

Remember when Twitter stopped that asteroid #Tweetageddon?

That was pretty awesome and a really nice thing for Twitter to do. But that asteroid was aimed directly at the hipster community in San Francisco and so we were thinking maybe Twitter should have just let it go.

So we moved our journey on to where we should have started in the first place: ESPN.

Here’s what ESPN’s Ron Jaworksi said:

Remember when all that media hoopla used to go up during Superbowl week and you had no way of knowing that Russell Wilson was “Lovin it!”?

Okay, so we skipped ESPN and went to where we really should have started, the media. Maybe FOX, we’re not saying. After all, current events are really what this is all about; it’s why the world needs what it needs.

Megyn Kelly was happy to bring up these examples of the power of Twitter to continue to shape the universe:

“Remember when Boko Haram kidnapped all those girls in Africa and everyone started Tweeting about it and all the girls were returned home unharmed in a matter of hours because of the power of Twitter? And then Boka Haram Tweeted out “Our bad. We didn’t know the Twitter community would get upset #Don’tUnfollowUsWe’reActuallyReallyNice”

And this:

“Remember when hurricane Sandy crushed the East Coast and everyone sent Twitter sympathies?”

Or this:

“Remember that high-speed highway police chase where Phil from Des Moines Tweeted out, ‘This is nuts!'”

“That’s what it’s all about,” said Megyn. “Now, when the democrats have their national convention, we can Tweet about how stupid they are. We are literally saving the planet.”

With that, our journey ended and we left for home in awe of our newfound philosophies. Confucius, Sun Tzu, the Dali Lama… no one could have understood the magnitude of all of this.

The word needs a strong Twitter?

Damn right, Jack Dorsey.

Damn Right.

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