A few days ago the staff here at MojoFiction came across a news article on the world wide web that detailed the 10 reasons “He hasn’t proposed to you yet” …or something like that. We were shocked to discover that these 10 reasons had absolutely no basis in reality whatsoever, as noted by reason number 2: he can’t remember your name; reason number 5: he already had a golf outing scheduled for that day and it’s not possible to change the tee time; and reason number 7: he thought you were from that maid service he uses once a month since you kept picking up after him and he just naturally assumed that you would realize you were only getting paid to clean on Saturday and eventually you would go back to your home office.
As the internet’s appointed defender of well-built, manly, extremely handsome, yet thoughtful and sensitive men everywhere, we have decided to set the record straight on why your man hasn’t proposed yet. Given the importance of this subject, we decided to the best way to get the required information for our study was the old-fashioned way, with boots on the ground. So we put our boots on the ground and walked over to our computer for a detailed Google search, and here is what we discovered.
Top 10 Reasons He Hasn’t Popped the Questions Yet (Real version, not the fantasy version you might find on other internet sites):
- He’s looking for a bigger diamond to replace the center stone on the amazing engagement ring he bought – It’s amazing how often this happens. See, he bought the ring with what he realized later was only a puny 3-carat, IF-quality, Princess-Cut diamond center stone that blended in too much with the diamonds in-laid into the white-gold band. He’s been spending his lunch hour scouring Jeweler’s Row looking for a replacement. Don’t worry, he’ll propose soon. Probably during that romantic dinner he just made reservations for at Le Louis XV Alain Ducasse at Hôtel de Paris in Monaco.
- He’s waiting while he saves up enough money for a month-long honeymoon trip that would put British royalty to shame – Realizing just how special you are, he knows that a simple trip to Tuscany would hardly cut it. So he’s currently contracting a charter to sail down the Rhône Valley in France, where you’ll visit famous chateaus and drink French wine right from the source. Then it’s off to the Norwegian Fjords, followed by a trip to Ireland to see the Giant’s Causeway and several other destinations he wasn’t letting anyone know about. So just give it a couple of months, it will be worth the wait.
- He’s afraid that, if you say yes, he’ll be so happy that he might literally explode – This is all about safety. He’s very concerned that his sudden combustion due to otherworldly happiness might harm you, what with the shrapnel and all. Just show up at his place on Saturday night wearing a hard hat, safety goggles, and a Kevlar vest. Guaranteed proposal.
- He loves your parents – A lot of guys admitted to this. He’s stunned by how well he gets along with your entire family and he’s concerned that he’ll constantly invite your mother over for tea, or just to see the grandkids. He already wants to hang out with your sister and her husband and their delightful triplets every other weekend and he’s sure that you will get really annoyed with all this family time pretty quickly and he doesn’t want to start the marriage off on the wrong foot. Our advice? Tell him it’s okay to hang out with his buddies on Friday night, drinking beer and taking the truck to the local mud field. That should seal the deal.
- There’s just not enough housework for him to do – Every woman has a right to fill out her very own “Honey-do” list, and your man passionately supports this. But he realizes that once you’re married and he buys you that ocean-side mansion in Malibu, he’ll come home from a long day of work in the city, tired from the long commute and worn out, and there won’t be any real housework to do because it’s a brand-new property and your butler has taken care of most of the daily chores. He specifically ordered cable TV without any sports channels just so he wouldn’t be distracted from the household work you would assign him. He doesn’t want to deprive you of the joy of the “Honey-do” list, so he’s waiting a few years until that mansion becomes a fixer-upper. You hold on to that man; he’s a keeper!
- He’s afraid his intense desire to spend quality marriage time exploring different shopping malls every Saturday, gardening any time the sun is out, and gossiping with the girls over coffee about what Jennifer said to Lisa when she heard what Lisa said to Cindy about that thing with Frank, will interfere with your Facebook time – He knows how important your social life is. He doesn’t want you to feel like you have to give up being you just so he can feel needed. If you want him to propose, just assure him that when he eats that spicy food you told him not to and it gives him explosive diarrhea, you will update your friends with all the details about it while he’s in the bathroom and NOT while he’s still at the table.
- He doesn’t want you to think you’re just a housewife – He’s thrilled with your successful career in the district attorney’s office putting the bad guys away. But he’s concerned that his status as a billionaire playboy prince with his own fleet of luxury yachts and airplanes dedicated exclusively to transporting him around the globe to fight international hunger, bring free education to the poorer communities of the world, and broker world peace, will overshadow your accomplishments. Rest assured, it will not. He is prepared to give up all his money and yachts and planes, and even cut off his dark, thick, silky, GQ-model hair, so you can be the bread-winner. Just let him know that it’s okay for him to make these sacrifices and he’ll be taking you to the Justice of the Peace in no time.
- Disneyland is not available for rent until 2016 – He wants you to have that special wedding, so he’s put in the reservation now for the entire Disneyland theme park, where he plans to have the ceremony held at the Sleeping Beauty Castle. You just have to wait a few short years. You can do it!
- He doesn’t want to rush you – Guys know that today’s woman values her independence. When you’re ready, he’s ready. So he’s just waiting for the “Ready” signal. See? You’re in control. No worries!
- He’s in love with your best friend and they’ve been dating behind your back – Sorry.
So there you have it. If you’re scoring at home, the first 9 reasons are: he’s insecure. The other reason is: he’s a jerk (and so is your best friend).