That Sinking Feeling (A Pre-Father’s-Day Tale of Manliness)


We here at MojoFiction are pretty manly, as you already know (because we keep telling you). So, last week, while we were a little bored, we toured our house looking for manly repairs to make, such as restocking our supply of Doritos, which were running low, and expertly replacing the toilet paper roll in the master bathroom. In order to accomplish these manly things we quickly drove to the grocery store because no man should be without Doritos, but also because we realized we didn’t have any more toilet paper rolls and there was going to be a problem shortly if we didn’t do something about it. You know what we’re talking about[1]. It was after those difficult problems were fixed that suddenly, and without provocation, the faucet on our kitchen sink broke itself.

You read that right. It was not our fault.

See, we were innocently washing our hands after thoroughly testing out our new bag of Doritos when we noticed that the handle on the faucet seemed to be sticking. So, we did what any intelligent guy would do, we pushed really hard on the handle and it snapped off.

See? Not our fault. We were never told we couldn’t use our super-strength (you probably shouldn’t tell anyone about that) on the faucet. It’s a Kohler for goodness sake.

Now, as a guy, you know that it’s important to remedy these situations immediately by staring intently at your broken faucet and, in turn, at the handle that has come off in your hand, for a good 10 minutes while you try to understand what just happened. Then you say something clever like, “F@#$!” And you say it as loud as possible as proscribed by Guy Rule #3: Never Hold Anything Back … Unless You Are Out of Toilet Paper.

Of course, we really needed water in the kitchen, so we set out to fix the problem. We grabbed every tool we had in the garage and dragged them into the kitchen. Even the circular saw. (Guy Rule #6: If You Have a Circular Saw, Bring it With You. Everywhere. Even to church. Guy Rule #7: If You Don’t Have a Circular Saw, Stay Where You Are, Our Attack Drones Are Zeroing In Via Your Cell Phone’s GPS and You Will Be Destroyed Shortly.) Next, we took everything out from under the sink, turned off the water, and set to work removing the faucet.

As luck would have it, the mounting ring that goes around the spout shank and secures the faucet to the sink was pretty much fused to the rusted metal washer and we couldn’t get the leverage to turn it. So, we used our superior guy knowledge and decided to take apart the faucet from the top down.

We succeeded in destroying the faucet, but, against all reason, we still couldn’t get the shank out. So, finally, we had to remove the whole sink so we could get to the ring underneath. By that point we had wasted about three hours and we were tired, so we gave up for the day and left our sink-less kitchen to watch some Netflix.

Later that evening, we picked our son up for the weekend and told him that he was going to have the time of his life because we were going to visit a magical world known as Menard’s, where every home need is met with the promise of saving big money. He disagreed, but we bought a new faucet anyway.

The next morning, MojoFiction got up early to put the sink back in and install the faucet. We were trying to connect water hoses under the sink when our son finally got up and immediately asked why it was taking so long.

Okay, so, in his defense, he didn’t know we could simply point the hose at him and turn on the cold water. What kid expects to get sprayed in his kitchen? Now he knows. Guy Rule #12: Dad Always Wins. Or we would have, but it turned out that the hoses already in place were too short for the new faucet. So we ran back out to Menard’s, which didn’t seem so magical anymore, and bought longer hoses (Guy Rule #10: Insert Joke Here).

Finally, we got everything installed and then we cocooned it all in plumber’s putty. We think that’s how that works anyway. Then we stepped back and observed our handiwork.

“What do you think?” we asked our son.

“It looks like it did before,” he said.

“Aha!” we shouted in victory. “That’s where you’re wrong! See, the left basin used to have a garbage disposal. But after we took that off to remove the sink, we realized the garbage disposal was on its last legs so we threw it out. Now nothing is there at all because we just realized that we need a new pipe to connect to the drain on that side of the sink. So, don’t turn the faucet to that side or all the water will pour into the empty space under the sink.”

“…You win, Dad.”

“Guy Rule #12, son.”

1. No, you don’t.

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