Hope Solo Can Beat Me Up Anytime, and Other Water Cooler Musings

The water cooler wasn't working anyway...
The water cooler wasn’t working anyway…

This may be just a little politically incorrect…

Believe it or not, this all started at the water cooler. Water cooler talk is a time-honored American tradition, like paying women less than men for doing the same job, or telling your wife that you’d love to spend the day at the mall when, in fact, you are completely lying.

You know what we’re talking about.

Everyone knows you are not really a part of a company until you’ve hung around the water cooler for at least 15 minutes without everyone questioning you because you know so much about Glee (obviously you wouldn’t waste company resources by hanging around the water cooler for 20 minutes). Unfortunately, we here at MojoFiction have been without water-cooler talk for some time. This is partly because of our long period of unemployment, but mostly because our previous offices provided terrible water-cooler locations, where no one wanted to stand around and discuss which real housewife is 98% collagen, or why Game of Thrones should just be called Old-Timey Dallas, or why the Cubs can’t score any runs when their pitching is good (stupid Cub, stop doing that!). We still don’t know what everyone thought about the ending of The Sopranos. THAT’S how long it’s been. It got to the point where we had to order our own water cooler, have it delivered to our house, and then ask passing strangers if they wanted to stop by for a 3-oz cup of water and a chat about McDreamy.

But now we have a water cooler at work. Right in our office space. MojoFiction literally only has to stand up and walk 10 feet to discover blissful conversation about which celebrity wore it better (Emma Stone). Well, just today we were at the water cooler and one discussion led to another and pretty soon we were discussing the women’s World Cup and would the U.S. National Team beat Germany tonight (yes), what does FIFA really think about women (What? Women play soccer?), and who wore it better (Switzerland … you know we’re right).

But then the conversation came to a grinding halt with this exchange:

Fred (not her real name): Why is Hope Solo allowed to play?

MojoFiction: Why not?

Fred: Domestic abuse gets you suspended in men’s sports.

MojoFiction (dubiously): So you’re arguing for equal treatment?

Fred: I didn’t mean to. Do you disagree?

MojoFiction: Hope Solo can beat us up any time.

Fred: …Can I beat you up?

MojoFiction: No.

Fred: Okay, you are officially an idiot.

See, Fred should never have called us an official idiot, because we are smart enough to know that there is no official designation for that and so Fred’s insult is meaningless. Also, Fred could never beat us up. But there was also the matter of us wanting to go mano-y-womano with the U.S. Women’s National Team’s goal keeper.

Now, some of you may think we’re being sexist and insensitive. This is most likely true.

Honestly, though, we don’t want to get hurt and, as manly as we are, we’re pretty sure Hope Solo could hurt us. But we do want to see great soccer and, frankly, we respect the fact that her case was dropped, so we’ll make our judgments when or if something concrete actually happens, and not now (but, really, we’ll do it now). So, we’re glad to see her out there. That’s all we really meant. We cleared that up with Fred.

MojoFiction: See how we just cleared that up with you?

Fred: So, you’re just showing reasonable support for our legal system? Instead of innocent until proven guilty by social media?

MojoFiction: Exactlyish.

Fred: It’s not because you think tough girls are hot and, as a man, you want to make an exception even though you really shouldn’t?

MojoFiction: No. That couldn’t be further from the truth. We here at MojoFiction would never be politically incorrect like that.

Fred: Right…

MojoFiction: But maybe she could threaten us … just a little bit.

Fred: I’m removing this water cooler.

MojoFiction: Nuts.

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