2017 is officially in the rearview mirror, which means it’s that time of year again, when the underworked and overpaid staff here at MojoFiction answer important questions from our readers about things and stuff that happened in the past year. Questions ranged across many subject matters, so we picked the best of the best.
On Relationships in 2017:
Q: Hi, this is Beyoncé. Is love really bigger than everything in its way? U2 said it was. But, you know, I’ve had relationship issues.
A: Yeah, in 2016. This is a 2017 review. C’mon Beyoncé, get with it.
Q: Hello, my name is Karen and I’m a sophomore in high school. If Anton asks me to be his lab partner but I’d rather partner with anyone else because Anton dumped Stacy to take Erica to the fall dance and, yeah, Stacy was kinda seeing Timmy on the side already, but Stacy is my friend and Erica is a total nobody who’s so nice it has to be an act and I’m sure that’s how she conned Anton into dating her, should I run out of class screaming or just stay home sick? And if I stay home sick, will pictures I post of Facebook of my poodle Mitzy sleeping on different pieces of furniture still get a lot of likes? And if they get likes, should I post a YouTube video?
A: Go home, Karen. Never write to us again.
Q: Hello, my name is Kar… Carrie, and I’m definitely not a sophomore in high school or anything. I’m way older. I was in the Teen Fiction section of Barnes and Noble, but not because I’m a teen but because I just like dystopian werewolf romance novels that would never get published otherwise if they weren’t labelled “Teen,” and I was wondering if it’s okay to tell my parents that I’m staying over at Stacy’s house for our teen book club when I’m really going to a party with Anton. Not anyone you may have heard about, just some different guy named Anton. …I’m asking for a friend.
A: Since you’re asking for a friend, we asked a friend for your answer. He says it’s always a good idea for teenagers to lie to their parents about their whereabouts, especially when it involves dating. It’s not our advice, it’s from a friend.
On Net Neutrality in 2017:
Q: This is Scott from Duluth-
A: We don’t care where you’re from, Scott.
Q: Good point!
A: We know.
Q: I was wondering, with the end of net neutrality, will your website be throttled?
A: Wait, is this still Scott from wherever?
Q: Also, will internet service providers extract huge fees from you so we can get to your content?
A: Extract fees from us? You mean you didn’t pay the MojoFiction surcharge to access our website? What is Comcast doing? How’s a guy supposed to make money around here?
On Workplace Harassment in 2017:
Q: Hi MojoFiction, this is Anne from Kansas City.
A: Kansas City, Kansas, or Kansas City, Missouri?
Q: I was wondering, with all the workplace harassment going on, how are you protecting your staff from inappropriate behavior?
A: We are not.
Q: Why not?
A: Because we would love to see the headline, “MojoFiction harasses his staff.”
Q: I think you just harassed me.
A: We don’t recall that because we probably had too much to drink and it happened so long ago (it was at least two sentences ago). But now that it’s out, we choose to live our life as an anonymous internet person. So it’s okay. Case closed.
Q: Isn’t there just one of you?
A: Not so loud. We have to claim 30 employees for tax reasons.
On Roy Moore in 2017:
Q: Should Roy Moore run for President of the United States in 2020?
A: Holy sh$! are you serious?
A: He should totally run. Late night comics need it to survive.
On Gun Rights in 2017:
Q: What do you think of gun violence in America?
A: As soon as the analysis of the political leanings of my reader base comes in, I’ll let you know my opinion.
On Sports in 2017:
Q: Were there sports in 2017?
A: Yes. And Tom Brady won them all.
On Movies in 2017:
Q: Hi Mr. Fiction, this is Harvey …Winkelstein in Hollywood. What were your favorite movies in 2017?
A: There were a lot of great females in videos this year.
A: Oops, our mistake. Our favorite movies were mostly the ones that we saw. We also assume that we like all the movies that came out right at the end of the year and only played in some obscure theatre in L.A. because they’ll all be nominated for Oscars and we don’t want to be left out
Q: What about The Last Jedi?
A: Was there a new Star Trek movie that we missed?
On International Relations in 2017:
Q: This is Kim from North … Dakota. Why does the great Democratic People’s Republic of Korea hate the United States so much?
A: It’s the American way. When the chips are down, the economy is on the skids, and everyone loves you so much that you have to shoot people just to get them to stay, what else are you going to do? Blame someone else!