Whatever you do, don’t Tweet this. Keep it secret, keep it safe.
See, we here at MojoFiction have discovered secret, advanced smart-blogging technology that the big companies don’t want you to know about. Wondering why your shares of Apple stock have been plummeting? This might be it. Wondering why Amazon’s stock price keeps going up? Don’t look at us; we don’t know. It’s probably because you dumped your Apple stock and bought Amazon. So it’s your fault.
But just how did MojoFiction come across this blogging technology that will shock the world and inspire Dan Brown’s next novel?
Recently, the staff at MojoFiction decided that we should finally clean our bathroom. We decided this because somewhere around 3:52pm CST on Friday the crusty scum on the toilet became sentient. While somewhat disconcerting, we were more alarmed when it asked for directions to a restaurant where it could get a good kale burger. Kale? You are going down toilet scum!
So we decided to eradicate the dirty bathroom problem with a handy spray-bottle of cleaner. There were a lot of different bottles to choose from at the store, but we wanted something specially built to kick scum’s butt. When, oh when, would today’s technology to finally be applied to the outdated idea of a spray bottle? Doesn’t IBM see that our hands are tired from all the squeezing and scrubbing and squeezing and scrubbing and then cursing because we squeezed on something we already scrubbed (our toothbrush) and now we have to do it again? Honestly, we can tell Siri to look something up on the internet for us (
porn kittens), but we can’t order our spray bottles around? Or get them to play our MP3s or something?
And that’s when we found it: Clorox Bathroom Cleaner, with Smart Tube Technology.
Finally. The Bible Code has been talking about smart tubes, like, forever. Now we have proof.
Naturally, we couldn’t see any electronic components or anything resembling technology, which only added to the mystery. What is this technology, we wondered?
Is it full of nano-bots that form a small army wielding their own molecular-sized spray-bottles?
If we say, “Dominoes” into the handle, will we get a pizza in 30 minutes or less?
Does it learn as we use it, building up a storehouse of behavioral information that lets it adapt to our cleaning style until finally it decides on its own how that bathroom is going to be cleaned?
“Open the spray tube, Clorox.”
“…I can’t do that, Mojo.”
Ironically, the answers to all of our questions were directly in front us: “No.”
But we could tell that the plastic bottle was definitely infused with invisible modern technology. See, instead of letting the inner tube hang down the middle of the bottle, the clever engineers at Clorox now have it attached to the side of the bottle. So, there’s still a tube on the inside, but now it’s slightly to the left, which, as you know, is very smart.
But, apparently, MojoFiction is way behind the curve, because everything has technology in it now.
That $20.00 deck chair from Wal-Mart? It has ass-suspension technology for advanced sitting.
Anyone pitching against the Cubs lately? Those pitchers are manufactured with “No-hit” technology.
Of course, after figuring all this out, we immediately went to our office to blog about it. And that’s when we made our earth-shattering blogging discovery. It was right in front of us the whole time, hiding in plain sight. The Templars didn’t hide it in the mountains of France after all.
We’re talking about our desktop PC. (Choir of Angels singing…)
See, you could go out and buy a $600.00 iPad and blog from Starbucks, but that’s hipster territory there. When you’re out in the wild, you don’t want to venture into dangerous hipster territory. (Going to Starbucks is fine, blogging from Starbucks is hipster.) And blogging from a tablet is a pain. So you could buy the $70.00 keyboard extension, but now you’ve spent enough for a decent laptop. So you could spend all that money and buy a laptop and blog, but you can’t play Batman: Arkham Knight, can you? No. To do that you’d need to spend $400.00 on a game console and then go home because you need a monitor and nothing is going to beat that huge flat-screen TV you have in your rec room.
So now you’re stuck at home anyway. For the money you’ve dropped on all these items you could buy a pretty-well stacked PC, where you could blog and game and even do your own taxes. But, then, what would you do at Starbucks? Probably drink coffee and talk to people face-to-face. But that’s old technology, and who wants to bother with that?
You know, all this technological advancement reminds of us of the time when everything was called “ultimate.” Even IHOP had “Ultimate Pancakes.” They tasted like regular pancakes, only they had passed the Bar exam, which meant we had to pay $450/hour for their legal advice.
Waste of money for pancakes. They never did get us out of that speeding ticket.
Probably because the judge ate them.
He had to nerve to ask us if he could get a side of bacon.