WARNING!!! THIS ARTICLE IS SUPER-MANLY AND MAY RESULT IN CHEST HAIR AND THE COMPLETELY ACCIDENTAL THINKING THAT YOUR WIFE HAS NO IDEA WHAT A CIRCULAR SAW IS. (Normally, you wouldn’t think that, but that’s what happens when you’re feeling manly. She knows this and so she’s pretending she doesn’t know what a circular thingywhatever is, which is very nice of her. You should buy her a gift. …She wants an Audi. Sorry.)
It’s no secret that we here at MojoFiction love the Denver Broncos. What do you mean you knew? Who told you? Never mind, the point is we’re blogging live … well, typing live (we’ll post later) while watching the Broncos – 49ers Sunday night football game from the comfort of our man-cave. It’s a big night because Peyton Manning might break the all-time record for looking great in the regular season but not so much in the post-season. Also, he might break the record for most touchdown passes in a career, which really makes us wonder why you all bothered liking that Tom Brady guy all these years. Right?
Okay, let’s get to it.
The camera opens up on two old white dudes whose hair is obviously not real and we’re immediately thinking, great, another one of those lengthy Viagra commercials. We can’t afford to buy any more of that stuff, jeez. But it turns out it’s “Al Michaels” and “Cris Collinsworth,” names that totally sound like code for “Retired Porn Star” and “English Butler.”
Series 1 – 49ers
They had the ball? Oh. We didn’t notice. We were too busy pouring ourselves a dram of whisky from Aberlour, which is unbelievably manly at 120-proof. Yeah, we cut it with some water, but that’s just good sense.
Possession ends in a punt.
Series 1 – Broncos
Touchdown pass by Peyton Manning! There were probably some other plays in there but we’re not sure what they were. We were too busy clipping and shaping our nails (they were a little long).
Series 2 – 49ers
Missed field goal. (The ball is pushed left by the power of the belief of Broncos fans everywhere.)
Series 2 – Broncos
In-between plays, Peyton Manning single-handedly constructs several houses for needy families in Denver. Finally, on third and short … touchdown pass by Peyton Manning! Wes Welker dives across the goal line because he knows how important it is to score in a manly fashion. What? That pass counts towards Peyton’s inevitable record? Wes looks surprised but Peyton quickly reminds him that next time he needs to dive and roll into a front-flip to celebrate the awesomeness that’s going on right now. Peyton can be a jerk.
Series 3 – 49ers
The Broncos defense sits down for tea and biscuits while they catch the last few minutes of The Family Guy. The 49ers offense still goes three-and-out.
Series 3 – Broncos
Peyton Manning almost misses 1st down because he’s negotiating peace between Republicans and Democrats. Both parties unanimously outlaw graft and corruption and campaign contributions. Suddenly Peyton’s back on the field and leading a drive that results in a … punt? Are you kidding? Officials stop the game for thirty minutes while an independent investigator sorts out what really happened. Roger Goodell’s tearful apology sounds hollow. The crowd boos.
49ers series … something or other (We’re not sure because we fell asleep for a little bit there, which it turns out is a pretty manly thing to do when you’re over 40. No, wait, not manly. What’s that other word? That’s right: predictable.)
The 49ers’ running game is ramping up. It’s aided by clever pass interference calls against the Broncos defense that keep the drive alive. Good thinking guys! We know you’re just making San Francisco feel like they’re still in the game. That’s called class. Anyway, the 49ers get to the goal line where they run a trick play that involves Anquan Boldin dropping a pass right at the goal line on 3rd down in order to secure that coveted field goal. These guys are good.
Next series – Broncos
After performing an emergency appendectomy on a fan, Peyton Manning throws a RECORD-BREAKING TOUCHDOWN PASS! How do you feel now Indianapolis Colts? Sure, you gave up Peyton Manning in order to secure a great young quarterback who’s going to lead your team deep into the playoffs for years to come, but … just shut up Colts fans. We don’t like you.
Peyton Manning spends the break rescuing kittens from trees in various Denver neighborhoods, much to the delight of children and internet memes everywhere. But he accidentally tells little Sally that her pet goldfish, Herbert, is really the third one this week and they all look alike. Sally is very sad. Way to go Peyton.
Every touchdown pass is now a record-setting pass, so Peyton Manning makes sure to throw a few of them, just to annoy the hall-of-fame engraver who keeps trying to get started on the plaque. While the ball is in the air, Peyton invents a renewable, clean-burning fuel that will save the environment and reverse the melting of the ice caps. Then he catches the ball himself in the end zone. Only his unwavering commitment to the team, and the time he spends filling in for Superman when he needs a break up in his Fortress of Solitude, keeps him from accepting the Nobel peace prize. But they go ahead and give him the American League Cy Young and the Motor Trend Car of the Year awards because he’s going to get them anyway.
The 49ers try to play some football in there somewhere. But before they can even try to start a comeback, the game ends when the entire audience files out of the stadium after finding out that all the snack food in Colorado is officially sold out and they have to go to New Mexico to find a bag of Doritos. Why all the snack food would be gone is a total mystery. Honestly, we have no idea why.
End of Game
Peyton Manning rockets back into outer space with his jet-powered cleats, where he shines brightly on the world for yet another day.