An Apple a Day Will Give You U2

U2 - Apple
Who threw that thing?

When it comes to our blog, MojoFiction isn’t exactly a current events kind of guy.  Except for that celebrity-nude-photos-in-the-cloud hacking scandal.  We’re keeping a close eye on that one (too close, according the district attorney).  And now comes the Apple – U2 free-album scandal.  Only in America could receiving free stuff be looked at with scorn.  But not so for MojoFiction. We read that iTunes was giving away free copies of U2’s latest and we thought, “Freakin sweet.”

After paying a small royalty to “The Family Guy” for using Peter’s trademark line, we logged on to our iTunes account.  It took awhile because we switched to the Samsung/Google cabal a year ago and we couldn’t remember exactly what iTunes was or where to find it. Sensing this through secret powers man was not meant to know about (so we can’t tell you), Apple activated the microchip embedded in the palm every iPhone user and we immediately found the launch icon on our computer.

We had read that U2’s album was automatically downloaded to the music library of every iTunes user.  We also read many polarizing accounts of this freebie, including from users who couldn’t wait to get rid of the free album so they spent millions of dollars to develop a time machine for the express purpose of jumping forward in time to the point where iTunes was finally destroyed by hackers and no music was available at all on their account.

Well, we logged on and we did not see the album in our library.  This was very suspicious and we knew we had to investigate.  But, with the fanatical devotion of Apple fans everywhere, we knew we couldn’t investigate through the usual channels (and anyway, Snowden wasn’t answering his phone).  No, we would have to go undercover.  We would have to get dirty. In short, MojoFiction would have to go … full black.*

We logged off and back on again, this time using a top-secret security code to access the inner workings of the iCloud (or whatever).  Many Bothans died to bring us this code, so we really hoped it would work or we were going to have to do something else with our life, like get a job.  Carefully, we typed in the code:

Secret Apple Code
This code also works to hack into Google…

It worked! Not only were we in, but we had infinite lives and could restart without having to play the entire level. Unfortunately, we couldn’t find the secret pipe to level 8 (that is NOT a drug reference), so we had to go the long way.

It turns out that the only reason the album was not in our library was that we had not set our iTunes account to automatically download to our computer. That was it, which was kind of a top-secret letdown.  On the other hand, we discovered a lot of dirty secrets about Apple users.

  1. They don’t know how to use iTunes.  Apple had to develop a separate app for users, who somehow didn’t know that they had set their account to automatically download new music, so they could remove the U2 album from their libraries.
  2. They have a real beef with U2, especially Bono.  And it has nothing to do with actual music. What was odd, though, was how many people hate Bono because, apparently, he tries really hard not to pay taxes in Ireland on the fortune he has amassed. There’s some irony in there somewhere. How much money does Apple keep offshore to avoid U.S. taxes? Ah, never mind.  Once you’ve sucked on the teat of Apple, it’s hard to detach.

So, what is it about this new U2 album anyway? A lot of people seem annoyed that Bono and company had dropped it on the scene. We knew we had to find out why, which meant now we had to go … super-undercover.  Or probably something that sounds a lot cooler than that.  Deep Black maybe?  Hmmm…

Anyway, we didn’t get very far because we were blocked by a massive net-bomb of hipsters, who refused to let us scour their influx of trolling to try and discover any actual critical analysis of U2’s new album beyond “They’re stupid because they’re big stupid dummy-heads,” and “I didn’t listen to any of the songs but I know it blows.” So we don’t know what the world really thinks. But we do know that U2 has been around for a long time, and the odds of them appealing to the coveted youth demographic is pretty low. So we expected a few yawns and “meh” or two, regardless of whether the music was any good or not. The band is reflecting on their past in this album, which isn’t what 20-somethings are doing.

For our part, we like Songs of Innocence.  It’s not all great, but U2 sounds like a band here and not an overproduced machine (though, strangely, there were a lot of big-name producers on this one). Like they could take most of these songs and sing them from the small stage at the local dive bar without too much trouble. There are good lyrics here, even if the music itself doesn’t blow you away.

As for the Apple stunt… iTunes users should have known better. Apple (and just about every internet service) takes all kinds of things from you, right off your phone or computer or whatever gadget. When they finally gave something back, did you really think it would be something you always wanted?


*Apologies to Brad Thor

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