Everything I Needed to Know I Learned From Playing Video Games Until 4 In The Morning and Don’t Try and Tell Me It Wasn’t Worth It Because I Turned Out Perfectly Normal

Gaming Desk
The 4th “R” is Resident Evil

MojoFiction has a shocking confession to make. We play video games. …Sometimes. Not all the time. Really, we don’t have a problem and we can quit whenever we want. Just let us finish this level first and then we’ll be done.

Why are we confessing this marginal sin that only required one Hail Mary and five bucks into the offering plate (and we’re not even Catholic, so we don’t know what happened)? Well, we went ahead and introduced our son to video games and now we think we probably shouldn’t have. He didn’t even like them at first. We had to repeatedly subject him to computer generated mayhem to finally get him to join the path of the true video game believer.

It all started with Fruit Ninja, though, really, if they had called it Vegetable Ninja they would have sold a lot more copies to American kids everywhere who love strawberries but hate cauliflower (we would also like to see Cute Internet Kitten Ninja for reasons that are probably very disturbing). Still, after that first taste of smart phone ninjaness, he wanted to play it all the time. We figured the phone only generates a little bit of radiation, so why not? Anyway, that gaming translated over to the Wii and now we have a video game library so vast that it was just installed as an official wing of the Library of Congress … and, no, you can’t check out Mario Kart. Get your own copy. Unfortunately, with the next generation of game consoles on the way, we now have to figure out how to raid or son’s allowance to pay for an X-Box One.

On the plus side, our son generally only likes party games, where you can play against other human beings, especially racing games. And we’ve also exercised some parental caution by not allowing him to play games that are realistically violent. When he expressed interest in a fist person shooter, we bought a paintball game, which you think would be boring but is pretty darn fun.

On the minus side, we’re concerned for his overall worldview and general education because it’s come to our attention that video games do not represent an accurate depiction of the real world. That was a surprise to us because we’ve been playing video games since the original Nintendo and now you tell us that there aren’t secret blocks hidden just above our heads that, if we jump at the right spot, will throw up gold coins? Thanks a lot. And have we been jumping on turtle shells for nothing all these years.

A few of the things we’ve learned over the past few years from video games that have been passed on to our offspring:

If you jump on mushroom you will bounce REALLY high – Mario Kart

The next time you go skiing at a fancy resort, a hyperactive restaurant owner with personnel problems will most likely ask you to deliver a plate of spaghetti to a customer who somehow ordered from behind a tree way up on the Elephant Slope (there will be no reward but you will happily do it) – Wii Ski

Four left turns lead to somewhere completely different from where you started – Temple Run

There’s no reason to fear huge man-eating bears, even two at a time, if you have a mace – Skyrim

Ahsoka can whoop Ventress with just her one green lightsaber that she holds upside-down – Star Wars: The Clone Wars – Lightsaber Duels (Don’t worry, we set our son straight on this one. In real life Ventress would never lose)

If you burn down the highway outside of Vegas at 156 mph in a tricked out Mazda and the cops try to run you off the road (you now, like they do), you can take them down instead and no warrant will be issued for your arrest, you’ll get the girl, and rack up huge bonus points – Need for Speed

With one rifle and a double-barreled shotgun, you can slaughter 30 migratory birds and 15 trophy bucks, not mention an assortment of turkeys and rabbits, in just three minutes … and lose – Cabela’s Monster Buck Hunter

Someone was on serious drugs when they made Rayman: Origins – Rayman: Origins

With one effortless swing, you can drive a golf ball 300 yards straight down the fairway – Tiger Woods Golf

With one effortless putt, you can sink a hole in one and beat your dad at mini-golf … oh, wait, that really happened

So it looks like there is going to have to be some elite parenting time going on to clear this all up, especially since the young man has been accepted into the gifted class at his school. Though, at his young age, we’re not sure what gifted really means. Probably not gifted at video games.

Hey, dad has to be better than his kids at something.

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