FATHER’S DAY GIFTS!

Now we come to it, the real meaning of Father’s Day. You thought it was all that other stuff, but let’s get real, it’s about the gifts. Like any guy, MojoFiction won’t waste any time extemporizing on why gifting is important on Father’s Day. We’ll just get to the gifts.

2013 Dodge Sports Car SRT GTS 477kW Viper

This one is obvious. Head off that mid-life crisis now with a car that costs as much as your college education. In that respect, it’s almost like a Mother’s Day present. But really, we don’t have to explain the importance of the sports car. Don’t worry if you don’t have enough money up front, it’s called a loan and they’re available from any number of legitimate sources. Our advice, call J.G. Wentworth, 877-CASH-NOW. [1]

A Tie

We love ties. Really. About 30 of them would be great. They should be tie-dyed and say fun things, like WORLD’S AVERAGEST DAD, or CRAPPY GOLFER. This will ensure that we wear them all the time. Of course, if you have money for 30 ties, maybe you should start thinking about a down-payment on that car.

Inflatable Television

As Dave Barry used to say, we are not making this up. And, no, we are not paying him a royalty for stealing that. When your dad has an inflatable television, he can take it anywhere and be the life of the party. He just needs a matching High Definition projector and a subscription to all the HD Sports channels on cable TV, along with Slingbox or some similar service (877-CASH-NOW). Now he’ll never have to miss a game of embarrassing Cubs baseball when he takes you camping, because, as we know, camping is an excuse to get away from the house and watch baseball on a huge television somewhere else, preferably in a natural setting that didn’t have a TV before and, therefore, really needs one. If there are TVs in the bathroom at Buffalo Wild Wings, there can be a TV in the middle of the Appalachian Trail, just as nature intended.

Standing Urinal

When any man comes over to the house to watch the big game on your dad’s glorious inflatable television, he doesn’t want to stand over that little toilet in the newly refinished bathroom and splash drops everywhere. And he sure as heck doesn’t want to sit on the toilet to pee just because his wife makes him do it at home. But if that bathroom had a standing urinal, your dad would be the king of the block. Like the ending in Field of Dreams, male friends and complete strangers would line up for miles just for a chance to use your dad’s standing urinal. And now your dad will never have to hear the phrase “Did you put the lid down?” ever again.

Somebody Else’s Kids

Imagine how much fun your dad will have hanging out with somebody else’s kids. They could go to the beach all day and skip the sun block, or sneak into movies, or eat way too much ice cream at the sweet shop BEFORE dinner and ruin their appetite. And dad won’t have to worry about any responsibility because, hey, they’re not his kids. …That would be sweet.

A Bobble-Head Doll that Looks Like His Wife

Now your dad can take his lovely wife with him to office where, every time that hot secretary he recently hired pops in, he can see his wife shaking her head vigorously at him, letting him know, in no uncertain terms, that he shouldn’t have hired that hot secretary and he’s going to be in trouble when he gets home and can he please stop at the store for some asparagus and some milk, but no beer. Oh, and she maxed out the credit card again. Sorry.

Applebee’s Lunch Decoy

Forget putting this guy up at the office to fool the boss, just stick him under the car in the garage with his legs sticking out and the wife will think her man is working on the car. Meanwhile, after relieving himself in his stand-up urinal, Dad can hop in his new Dodge SRT GTS 477kW Viper and drive over to his buddy’s house where they’ll break out his inflatable television to watch the big game while eating high-end ice cream treats with someone else’s kids. And since the bobble-head as at the office, he won’t remember to call the Mrs.

Next Time…

We’re not sure yet. We’re making this up as we go along.

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1. On second thought, DON’T.