The Power Washer – Symbol of Manliness Since the Invention of the Patio

Have you ever been doing dirty, sweaty, outdoor work that was so manly that you knew, as soon as you started doing it, that it would be a testosterone-fueled, blazing sun of epic manliness, burning so bright that you would have to ask your neighbors to keep their wives inside if they wanted to keep their marriages together? Then, when you were done with the job you felt so empowered that you couldn’t even sit down to enjoy a beer?  Instead, you walked around the house for an hour looking for other manly things to do, only to see the household problems fixing themselves as they came into contact with your radiating manly aura?

Okay, our man-o-meter may not have reached 11 , but yesterday we here at MojoFiction were power-washing our back deck, and we felt pretty manly about it (the man-o-meter never dipped below 8, honest). But it wasn’t just the power-washing that was making us manly.  It all started a few days ago…

A few days ago (like we said), we went on a trip to Home Depot, which is pretty manly in-and-of itself. We were doing some gardening landscaping, but realized we needed a few things. So, we hopped over to one of the thirty Home Depots in our area for some additional top-soil, some bricks, a spade to split our hostas with, and other manly accoutrements.

Before going further, we would like openly complain about the weight of those bags of top-soil.  It’s dirt for goodness sake, why’s it so heavy? And then it was getting all over our clothes and causing a mess and we just don’t like it.

Anyway, while we were doing manly things at Home Depot we remembered that our back deck needed some attention (and has for a few years now). So we rolled our cart into the aisle displaying power washers. Immediately, we received a text from man-central acknowledging our shrewd thinking. There were a lot to choose from, but we narrowed it down quickly because we didn’t want to mess around with the gas-powered washers because those scare us. So, like any man would, we looked over the electric washers, found the cheapest one available, and asked for help getting it into our cart.

Back at the house, we finished up our landscaping project, which included closing up a hole that lets animals crawl under our house. (That’s a whole other story. It involves skunks and it’s hilarious.) Then we turned our attention to the back deck. We had an old propane grill that really needed to go. So we broke it down using our secret stash of manly tools, only to discover that some wasps were building a nest inside it. We screamed and ran inside, closing the door behind us until the wasps went away, then we took the grill out front with the rest of the trash for pick-up.

This leads us to yesterday, where we finally got a chance to light that power washer up. There’s something to be said for holding an eight-foot-long hose in your hands that’s operating at about 1-trillion PSI, which, as you may know, is enough to bore a hole through the Earth and is, therefore, pretty f@#$ing manly (Just don’t cross the stream with another power washer or you’ll rip apart dimensions and Gozer will return to conquer us all). We hooked up the power washer and brought it out to the deck, where we proceeded to blast away dirt and grime and old paint with a high-pressure stream of water that we knew was really just an extension of our manliness. When we finished, we turned the nozzle to the highest pressure and gouged our signature into the last deck board.

That done, we instantly fell in love with our new power washer. Really, is there anything it can’t do?

• Back deck? – Power Wash
• Front porch and sidewalk? – Power Wash
• That annoying robin squawking at 5 in the morning? – Power Wash
• Those neighborhood kids who make all that noise? – Power Wash
• Our computer has a virus? – Power Wash

Could our power washer broker world peace? We would like to find out.

Did our power washer rescue that cute little kitten stuck in that tree? Well, it certainly helped it get down…

We plan on using our power washer as often as possible this spring and summer … and fall and winter. It reminds us that, sometimes, it’s good to be a guy. And it’s good to remind yourself that you’re a guy by doing simple things in a complicated, and therefore, manly way. Like buying expensive and dangerous equipment just to wash your deck.

Man and Power Washer, is there a more sacred relationship in the world? We hope so, because now it’s starting to sound creepy.