Spartan Race! How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Cheeseburger Sliders…

Spartan Sprint

We here at MojoFiction thought it would be brilliant to run in a Spartan Race this weekend. There are several different levels of Spartan races, this one being a Spartan Sprint. How four miles is a sprint, we’re not sure. But it’s on the other side of Indianapolis so apparently there’s also a car sprint to get there prior to the actual race.

A little background on the Spartan Race/Sprint:

Four miles may not sound like much of a race, but Spartan races are serious obstacle courses of the evil kind. You don’t win a Spartan Race, you survive it. It’s brutal enough that we had to sign up for something called “Casualty Insurance” (which seems pointless if MojoFiction doesn’t make it…) and we had to sign a disclaimer saying that if we expired during the race, Spartan Race would get to keep our car and our girlfriend. Also, we were invited to participate last year but couldn’t make it. Our friends proceeded to constantly remind us of how much fun they had running through muddy ponds, crawling under barbed wire, and carrying giant tires up hills. We proceeded to find new friends. But we also vowed to make it to this year’s race.

It occurred to us a few days ago that we should probably start training.

It’s important to look at your body-type before starting a training routine (this may or may not be true, it just sounded like a good way to start a paragraph). An in-depth Google search tells us that our body-type is “Ectomorph,” which is named after that green creature from Ghostbusters. As you may know, ectomorph in the scientific community means “seriously good-looking and rippling with muscles that comic book illustrators would be jealous of (in your face Jim Lee).” …Oops, we were looking at the wrong body-type. Ectomorph apparently means “tall and lanky but makes up for it with winning personality.”

Well, we didn’t really like that explanation so we consulted the Urban Dictionary instead, which helpfully answered our question about the real meaning of ectomorph. To quote:

“Did you really just ask the Urban Dictionary the meaning of the word ectomorph? Are you some kind of cranky, aging white guy? Please don’t use our website anymore.”

Using this advice, we designed our week-long workout regimen, which would whip us into shape for the Spartan Race. We designed this regimen while consuming a delicious Egg McMuffin and hash browns from McDonald’s, which we knew would get us started on the right foot – plenty of protein and energy and stuff.

Step one: we tried to run for twenty minutes on the treadmill at the gym in the basement of our building here in downtown Chicago. We almost died, so we switched over to the elliptical machine. By the time we figured that thing out it was time for lunch, so we popped over to the Titled Kilt with some friends to implement step two.

Step two: It’s important to remain focused during training. We figured Titled Kilt would simulate the frenetic race environment and really challenge our mental fortitude. We were pleased to see that we were able to remain completely focused on exactly four waitresses who apparently were required to wear short kilts of the titled variety (we had no idea, pinky-swear). Similar to actual Spartan conditions, they tried to throw us off by delivering cheeseburger sliders, beer, and some kind of vegetable that only comes fried, just as nature intended. But our training paid off and we remained focused on the waitresses and un-distracted. Four restraining orders later we knew our focus training was a success and we were ready for step three.

Step three: As important as focus is, it’s equally important to make up a third step of training so that your friends will be impressed by how many steps you’ve taken to prepare for the grueling destruction you will suffer at the hands of the Spartan Race. Having completed our physical training in step one and our mental training in step two, we decided to wrap up our training with an intense study on the best way to celebrate our total dismantling of the competition (or at least of our friends, who didn’t train nearly as hard as we did). Should we grab a Sharpie out of our shoe and write “losers” on the foreheads of our friends? Should we have someone dump a barrel of Gatorade on us? Both sound like fine celebrations to us, but after completing our training by watching some online videos of other Spartan races, we’re pretty sure we’ll be taking a celebratory nap. But we will do it intensely, just as our training taught us.

Now, just a few days away from the Spartan Sprint, as we enjoy our specially formulated athlete diet of leftover Chinese food we found in a forgotten container in the fridge, we realize that, in the end, it doesn’t matter whether we come out on top or not. What matters is that we tell everyone that we came out on top.


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