On Monday, we here at MojoFiction read on the internet that Tuesday was voting day for Republicans and Wednesday was for Democrats. You can’t believe everything you read on the internet! On Tuesday morning we thought we better be sure, so we did the smart thing and turned to the most reliable information source we could find: Facebook.
What’s the first thing we saw upon logging on? People magazine had announced this year’s sexiest man alive. It was odd that they hadn’t called us in advance to congratulate us, but we were excited to see the official announcement. …And once again it was not us. This is very suspicious and we suspect Russian hacking (we’re lazy and it’s convenient). But, in a happy twist, it turns out that we did win the coveted Men’s Outdoor Grilling and BBQ Magazine award for “Wiener Handler of the Year.”
We immediately learned that you can’t brag about that award at work.
Anyway, not only did Facebook tell us that Nancy was tagged at Olive Garden Sunday afternoon with her husband Mike (who the hell are these people?), but it also informed us that Tuesday was definitely the day for voting and Wednesday was for drinking heavily after learning the results of the vote. After choosing which alcohol to drown our Wednesday sorrows in (which, apparently, you also can’t do at work), we headed out to our polling location.
In Illinois, just about anyone can vote, including everyone at MojoFiction – all of us. All they ask for at the polling place is your name. If you don’t want to give it you can just tell them you’re voting democrat and they’ll say, “Good enough!” and move you to the head of the line. Welcome to Illinois.
Our polling place was at a church. This is forward thinking at its finest because it means you can pray for your candidates to win and also ask forgiveness for that unfortunate wiener joke you plan on making on your blog, most likely more than once.
There were two lines when we arrived because two districts were voting there. We can never remember our district, so we went to the shortest line and prayed (forward-thinking!). And we were right; we were definitely in district whatever and, therefore, God was on our side. Of course, we asked to use the electronic voting. Only losers go to the immediately available paper-ballot booth, while real men wait in a long line for one of the two touch-screen voting machines available. And when you’re a manly wiener handler of the year like MojoFiction, you wait for the touch-screen voting.
To use the touch-screen machine, you slide a key-card in and wait for the menu to pop up. We touched the start button and came to a screen with the first big race, governor. It was all downhill after that (do you know anything about the 13th district judges? Neither do we). Next to each candidate was a box to touch if you wanted to vote for them. To avoid confusion, there were three boxes next to each Democrat. At least, we think that was to avoid confusion – certainly not for extra voting. There was also a message that popped up if you voted Republican that said, “We know where you live.” The jokes on you election hacker … is what we would have said if we hadn’t been so scared.
Obviously, the only right thing to do here was vote Green party. What, you thought we would say Libertarian? We won’t bore you with how we really voted, just know that Wednesday only required us to down half of our sorrows.
Our civic duty done, we went to work Wednesday proudly displaying our “I pooped today!” sticker. We don’t know where were our “I voted” sticker went, but we thought we should display something on our shirt to commemorate the occasion. The way our country is going, it’s about the same, right?