People magazine just released their “Most Beautiful Women of the Year.” Once again MojoFiction is not on the list, leading us to believe that People magazine continues to assume our gender. Our super-manly, beer-chugging, steak-eating, cigar chomping gender. Shame on you, People. Did we assume that “People” only meant human people? No. We are more open-minded than that. We assume that “People” also includes members of the American Freedom Caucus and Madonna.
This is obviously further proof of the increasing tentacle reach of the Deep State, wielding their influence over People magazine. The Republican party has tried to bring the Deep State into the light, but Captain America keeps dropping in at the last moment, claiming he beat them (for, like, the thirteenth time) and then he says, “Hail Hydra” and runs away giggling because, let’s face it, no one outside of Marvel thought that was a cool idea. Probably. We never read it.
The only way to expose the deep state, we knew, would be to go undercover. This would be more dangerous than the time we went undercover as a tank-top at the Tilted Kilt. For legal reasons, we can’t say why, just know that we were deep undercover.
Breaking into the Deep State turned out to be pretty easy. We showed up at UCLA-Berkeley and asked, “Which way to the Deep State?” We were ignored. But then we mentioned we have the deep-cover photos from our Tilted Kilt operation and we were quickly pointed in the right direction.
We quietly slipped in to their quarterly update meeting. Strangely, it was mostly dudes. We’re not saying they were males of the species, just mostly dudes.
“Agent Sanders, report,” said the meeting leader. To protect her identity, we’ll only call her “Agent Mr. Clinton.”
“The good news,” said Agent Sanders, “is that our scheme to lose elections and cede power to Republicans is working really well.”
“That wasn’t the plan.”
“A Day Without a Woman turned out to be a big success.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” said Agent Streep. “My husband still calls it ‘A Day with Two Uninterrupted Rounds of Golf,” and says he can’t wait for the next one.”
“Well,” said Agent Someone-Who’s-Probably-A-Feminist, “My husband called it ‘A Day Without Madonna.’ So it was a partial success.”
“We already made a joke about Madonna.”
“What do we have coming up?” asked Agent Mr. Clinton.
Agent People magazine said, “The Most Beautiful Women of the Year is coming out. We’ve decided to only include actual women. That’ll show the Far Right.”
“I don’t think it will.”
“No, see, most of the list will be plus-sized women and Hollywood stars.”
“Now you’re talking,” said Agent Mr. Clinton. “If there’s anything conservatives hate, it’s beautiful and successful women of any shape and size. Make it so.”
“That’s my line,” said Agent Sir Patrick Stewart.
“You’re the entertainment, Stewart.”
“But I want to go on a mission.”
“Stop whining. No let’s all go and meet Al Gore for lunch. He’s flying in on his fleet of 60 fossil-fuel-burning private jets so we can discuss protecting the environment over $500-a-plate foie gras and dolphin steaks at that new exclusive restaurant in Martha’s Vineyard. That will keep the average Joe away from us while we dine.”
So, we tried, but the excellent people here at MojoFiction were not going to get on People’s list of beautiful women. That’s okay, because we’ve decided to start our own list. Introducing MojoFiction.com’s top 10 influential humor writers who write exclusively for MojoFiction.com:
- Señor Fiction
- Mr. Fiction
- MojoFiction and the Funky Bunch
- Justin Bieber