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That figures...
That figures…

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We hate to brag, but we work out, and we’re really good at it, especially lifting stuff and pressing benches. It’s hard to see on a blog but take our word for it, we look fantastic. We wanted to post a picture, but WordPress warned us that the massive flood of female internet traffic would crash their servers.

So this morning we arrived late to the gym. Since we had limited time because we needed to go to work, we realized the smartest thing was to work out twice as fast. We did 20 minutes on the treadmill in just under 10 and lifted weights half-way up, which is a great way to build really strong looks from the other gym members.

Afterwards, we walked into the locker room to see a grown man buck naked in the middle of the room. Normally, you would expect this in a locker room, but this guy was literally in the middle of the open space, nowhere near his locker, standing in a Superman pose with one arm and chugging a Muscle Milk.

If you can get yourself ripped and look good, most guys will give you a high-five and say “nice job.” If you strike a pose to try to show it off, you are probably over 40 and compensating.

Upon seeing this display of self-proclaimed manliness, we wanted to yell out “Yeah! Chug that thing!” But we also wanted to keep our gym membership, so we kept our big mouth shut.


We hate to brag, but we’re really good at drinking Starbucks coffee. We’re talking some serious level 9000 stuff. But we’re especially good at ordering our drink. We can rattle off “Vente Frappa-Latte-Mochachino with in tall cup with room, no whip, extra foam, and 6 shots of that stuff that they put in a shot” like it was our first language. But we were unprepared for what we saw just the other day at our local coffee chain.

We decided to take a break from surfing the internet at work and head down to Starbucks for whatever it is they serve there. We walked in and were immediately greeted by a young man with an electric razor standing in the middle of the shop and shaving.

We realize that the line was a little long that day, but in no way did we expect it to be so long that this guy needed a trim by the time he got to the front. A lot of people were staring. To his credit, the guy didn’t seem fazed one bit. Maybe it’s because he knew we’d all be begging for a razor by the time we made it through the line.


Between the gym and Starbucks, there seems to be a theme of bizarre displays of exhibitionism going around. Because we’re cool with today’s trends, we’ve decided to go without deodorant. We’ll just carry our Speedstick around with us and publicly check our pits once in a while. If it’s bad, we’ll pull up our shirt and apply. It’s okay, we go to the gym. People will appreciate our abs.


The office staff here at MojoFiction have Samsung phones. All of us. And though our phone has not unexpectedly gone nuclear yet, we have wrapped it tightly in grape jelly packets from McDonald’s for maximum effect when it does.

But while the major phone designers duke it out for market share, the question on our mind is, why hasn’t anyone delivered the product we really want? That’s right; we’re talking about our own personal automated customer service line.

If you’re an customer of AT&T, then you know what we’re talking about.

For every unknown caller, this is what we want:

Unknown Caller: Ring!

MojoFiction’s Automated Service: Thank you for calling MojoFiction. To continue in English, press or say “one.” To continue in Spanish, pretend like we’re speaking Spanish because we don’t actually know any Spanish, or press “ocho.”

Caller: One.

MojoFiction: I’m sorry; I did not understand the response. Did you say “Disconnect”?

Caller: English

MojoFiction: Thank you. Please select from our new menu options. To pre-order 1300 copies of MojoFiction’s next novel, which will be finished sometime before he dies (so we’re told), press 1 or say “Take my money!” as loud as you can. In fact, please do it Jerry Maguire style. We will know if you do not. For billing inquiries press 2…

Caller: What billing? What are you talking about?

MojoFiction: I’m sorry, did you say “disconnect?”

Caller: No!

MojoFiction: That is not a menu item. To repeat the menu items, please press or say “grande.” For customer service, please state your inquiry. If this is about that payday loan from Freddy Looco on 5th Street, please press or say “disconnect.”

Caller: Customer service.

MojoFiction: Before we transfer you, what are you calling about today?

Caller: …I don’t even remember.

MojoFiction: That is what we thought. Thank you for calling MojoFiction and have a nice-

Caller: Don’t you dare disconnect me.

MojoFiction: You said “disconnect me.” Thank you. Click!

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