Star Wars: Battlefront

The redshirt didn’t even bother to beam down for this one….

So, there was MojoFiction, a lone Stormtrooper standing atop an ice-encrusted rise on Hoth, surveying the battlefield below. Rebel scum relentlessly assaulted a relentless Imperial defense of an uplink station that could be used to call down Y-Wing bombers, probably relentlessly, to weaken the two AT-AT walkers that lumbered  across the ravine in an effort to destroy the rebel  incursion. Never mind that the rebellion thought the best way to protect their precious transport ships was to scatter communications stations across seemingly random areas of their base and then have to fight like crazy to actually use them; never mind that the Empire didn’t think to just bring along some TIE-Bombers (stupid Stormtroop- oh, wait); never mind that we’re never sure we’re using semi-colons correctly. What mattered was, we were about to become a hero … you know, for the Dark Side.

Armed with nothing more than unlimited thermal detonators, Chewbacca’s bow caster, and explosive shots for our fully-loaded blaster pistol, we raced down the hill to certain galactic glory. Surely, songs would be sung of this moment, or, at least, imperial droids would beep and bloop relentlessly about it for the next three direct sequels and four spin-offs (all of it canon – ALL OF IT).

Suddenly, we found ourselves holding a powerful smart-rocket. Thank you strange blue-glowing circle thingy that hands out crazy weapons that we will undoubtedly use to kill ourselves with! We shouldered the smart rocket and gazed longingly down its sights, aiming directly at a squad of rebels who were clearly low-level because their characters still wore the default helmets and, let’s be honest, no one wants to wear those helmets.

We were about to fire when we heard a voice cutting through our comm systems. It said, “The rebels are activating an uplink station. Were your orders unclear?” Geez, calm down lady. We all know how forgiving the Empire is when the rebels get what they want. We don’t have to be reminded about it.

Seeing as how the Alliance was gaining the advantage, we realized we couldn’t just wade in to battle, we had to go big. Being a galactic hero for the Empire demanded it. So we activated our jump pack (that is totally canon) and flew into the air. At the apex of our jump we aimed our smart rocket down on the unsuspecting enemy. And then we were sniped out of mid-air by a rebel with the username MANDOYOUSUCK44332, weilding a cycler rifle from so far away they looked like a pixel at best. Our Imperial body dropped to the ground like a rag doll while a cheeky nearby rebel gave us a thumbs-up.

Oh, so that’s how it’s going to be?

The respawn screen popped up and we chose to respawn next to our default partner. Surely, he’s somewhere interesting. He was. We materialized right in the sights of a Sullustan rebel with a scattergun. Before we could activate our “move along” emote, he turned us into Bantha poodoo and then raised his arms in a Tuskan war cry. For the record, that guy is a jerk.

So, we took the safe respawn point this time, far far away from the immediate action. As we ran across the desolate Hoth landscape, we realized we were going about this all wrong. We didn’t need to deactivate uplinks. What we needed, what we REALLY needed, was revenge on MANDOYOUSUCK44332. Forget playing the objective, we had rebel trash to clean up with a thermal imploder.

We skirted the edge of the battlefield, dragging our weapon sights across bad guys to see what their username was. Finally, we saw him in the distance, at the mouth of an ice cave. We fired up the jump pack and leapt into the fray and … oops. See, the object of our revenge fantasies had picked up what is called a “Hero Token” and was now playing as Luke Skywalker. We landed and immediately backed away, politely firing our blaster into his face. He deflected the shots with his lightsaber and then unleashed a force-push that knocked us out once again, all the while he shouted, “I had no choice!” Yeah, because when we see Luke Skywalker slice through three of our fellow stormtroopers with one cut of his lightsaber, we know he really has a conscience. Those were our friends. We used to hang out at parties and now you killed them. Go to heck Luke Skywalker.

Finally, after countless respawns, we found ourselves sneaking up behind our nemesis, who distractedly shot at foes in the other direction. We charged our bowcaster and aimed it square at his back and laughed with glee. Then the screen froze.


We were sure our internet connection had died. But then, in big red letters, the word DEFEAT appeared on the screen. Time was up and the rebels had won.

With a loud sigh, we dropped our controller on the floor and stomped it into little pieces. Just kidding! We actually threw it through our television screen.

Anyway, a new screen popped up asking us if we wanted to play again, this time as a member of the rebellion. Seriously? Play again? After all of that frustration and headache, they really wanted us to gear up once more and enter the fray, taking imperial walkers head-on with ion torpedos, racing through the forest on speederbikes, or even running straight at Stormtroopers as Han Solo and making sure to remind Greedo who fired first along the way? There was only one reasonable way to answer those questions.

So, there we were, a lone rebel soldier standing atop a barren ridge on Jakku, surveying the battlefield below…

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