So, this really all started when the infamous Ashley Madison website was hacked and MojoFiction immediately thought, “Uh-oh,” because thinking, “Neat!” just seemed counter-productive.
Naturally, we didn’t want to be blackmailed by international computer-nerds who obviously failed to land a tryst on the website, and we certainly didn’t want our profile made public. After all, what would happen if our illicit connections found out that we’re not actually a super-rich, globe-trotting investment banker from New York City looking for a little fling because life is short, so why not betray your spouse? No, see, the truth is we’re just a super-rich, globe-trotting writer who doesn’t want anyone to know about the super-rich part, so keep it to yourself, okay?
(Also, don’t tell anyone about our collection of Lamborghinis or the modeling we do for the covers of romance novels. It’s hard to keep up that manly physique and we don’t need the extra pressure.)
But our real fear isn’t blackmail. It’s zombie turtles.
Despite the fact that the hackers said they would actually pay us to delete our own account and then never speak about it again, we’re pretty sure that if we don’t pay up, they’ll release a global attack of zombie turtles. We know this because what else would make sense? Zombie goats? Please. We’re not stupid. (Is there a video game called Zombie Goat Simulator? We would totally play that game.)
Zombies are everywhere, in case you haven’t noticed. In books, on T.V., holding that “Slow/Stop” sign in the road construction zone, everywhere! But no one ever expects the lowly turtle. It’s the perfect zombie weapon, as this recently leaked audio recording from the FBI’s zombie department proves:
Though the sound is somewhat muffled, it’s clear that it’s a group of terrified teens huddling together for warmth at the side of a small lake in northwest Illinois during the noon hour, because zombie turtles are still turtles and they need some sun before they can really get moving.
Teen #1: What are we doing here? It’s 90 degrees out. Should we swim?
Teen #2: We have to hide! They’re after us!
Teen #1: Who?
Teen #3: Oh, my god, they found us! Look out!
Teen #1: What? Who? I don’t see anything.
Teen #3: Zombie turtles! They’re coming right at us. NOOOOO! Stay away! Stop walking towards us in that slow, ambling gate. Why are they opening and closing their mouths for no apparent reason? They’re still coming! They’ll be here any moment … any day! They just won’t stop … I don’t think so anyway. Tell my family I love them! I’m just going to … sit down over here for a while and read or something. Maybe I’ll take a short nap. Can you wake me when they get really close? I’m scared out of my brains!
But why would zombie turtles suddenly crave human flesh anyway? Our guess is all the pot smoking.
See, the other day MojoFiction saw a link on the internet (we swear this is true) to a video titled, “What’s worse, pot or booze?” This is obviously a trick question. The real question is, “what’s better?” But we didn’t bother to follow the link. We didn’t have to since we already know that we’re going to go with booze on that one, because you know who would pick pot? Zombie turtles. Pot and turtles were never meant to be together, but despite government regulations, they still manage to get their little leathery hands on it.
How are you going to survive the zombie turtle onslaught brought about by the fall of Ashley Madison.com?
Survival tip #1:
Don’t go down to the pond, that’s usually where turtles are. That will probably solve all of your problems.
If you do see a turtle and you’re unsure if it’s been smoking pot, just place a small pile of Doritos on the ground and see if it goes for it. If it does, run like hell. It may be a pot-smoking zombie turtle.
If you do see a turtle that is also a zombie and is also actually smoking a pot, take a picture. You will be internet famous in about ten seconds.
Don’t be a philandering douche. Problem solved.
Of course, if you’re smart like MojoFiction, you can take ESPN’s Chris Carter’s advice and have a fall guy. We masked our online Ashley Madison profile to make it look like it belonged to someone else. Worked great. Now all the zombie turtles are after some poor, innocent guy named Duggar.
They should get to him in about 3 years.