It’s a three-way battle for Midwest supremacy!
As you know, MojoFiction has been trying to take over the tri-state area for years, but a strangely violent platypus keeps thwarting our plans. So we’ve left that job to someone else and set our sights on Chicago. Unfortunately, it looks like two giants are already duking it out in the windy city.
You may have heard that the infamous Donald Trump has a large hotel/condo tower here in Chicago (we’re sure there’s an innuendo in there somewhere but this is a family site). The tower sits prominently along the river between Wabash Avenue and Michigan Avenue, not far from the House of Blues. Basically, you can’t miss it if you’re downtown. If you’re anywhere else you won’t notice it (that just stands to reason), but may occasionally hear the soothing sound of a comb-over (or a hairpiece?) flapping gently in the wind…
We here at MojoFiction, as a resident of the area, have been following the recent mini-feud between Chicago mayor Rahm Imanuel and Mr. Trump with an extremely intense half-hearted interest. The story behind it is that Donald Trump wants to (and therefore already has) placed large letters that spell out TRUMP on the side of his tower facing the river (really, don’t all guys want to do that?). But the mayor thinks it’s an affront to Chicago architecture.
Before we get in any deeper though, we think we should clear up a few things about Chicago for you non-residents.
First, the word Chicago is often mispronounced. The official pronunciation is “hev-uh n.” Though, Indiana residents often pronounce it as “i-liv-in-in-dee-an-uh?” We will accept either one.
Second, Chicago is known for its grand history of architecture, including cool stuff by Frank Lloyd Wright and some guy named Adler. A good example of historic architecture is on Clark Street and West Ontario, where you can see something called the “Golden Arches.” Coincidentally, there is also a McDonald’s there.
Third, as a city, Chicago has a lot of pride, which is where this feud comes in. We find that pretty funny because, as far as we know, Chicago pride has been up for sale for decades. It’s in all the auction brochures. In fact, we purchased some Chicago pride just last week from an alderman’s nephew. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if you’ve bought the genuine article or if you’ve been scammed, but once we pocketed that pride it immediately demanded exorbitant fees for three different city permits and kickbacks from our rental agreement. That’s authentic Chicago pride!
But back to Trump stamping his name on his building. We hadn’t even been thinking about it until The Daily Show brought it up the other day, so we decided to check it out for ourselves. On our lunch break we took a walk up State Street to the river. It’s kind of cool because Michael Bay filmed some serious action sequences there for Transformers 3 and we’re always reminded of that because we still have nightmares about seeing that movie and the psychiatrist we hired hasn’t been any help. So whenever we walk up State Street we start to sweat and feel nauseous.
Anyway, as we walked up State Street we realized that a lot of buildings have big signs and marquees on them stating the name of the building or the operations held therein. The unfortunately truth is, Trump’s didn’t seem to be any different. His building is modern, meaning it’s tall, sleek, and there’s a lot of glass. You don’t exactly start an architectural tour there. Okay, there are a couple that do, but we’re pretty sure those people are from Indiana.
Trumps letters are actually reflective, with a white border. That means they generally blend in and you hardly notice them when you walk by. Once we realized this, we found ourselves at a frightening crossroads. We’re generally not Republican (kinda middle-of-the-road), but we found ourselves agreeing with Trump on this one. What does that mean? Should we tell our friends how we feel? They made us see Transformers 3 so we haven’t talked to them in a long time. We tried to confess to our priest, but he just laughed because we’re not Catholic and he wondered what we were doing there.
It will probably all be okay. Time heals all wounds, right?
Still, the psychiatrist told us we might want to stay away from any voting for a while.