And On The 8th Day He Said, “Let There Be Awards”

We weren’t going to post anything until after the new year, but there may have been some developments in the end-of-year awards category. You know, probably.  We’re still trying to figure it out.  But when you’re a super-famous, trendsetting, international magnate like MojoFiction, these things happen.  If we could count how many times we were pictured on the cover of a magazine in 2013 alone, it would be an amazing feat because we really have no idea since we never sign up for those free subscriptions they try to push on us at that F.Y.E. store in the mall.  But our guess is we were featured on tons of them, and since no one reads magazines anymore we don’t think you can prove otherwise.

Our point is, it’s awards season.  That wonderful time of year when everyone who’s famous gets recognized for something (probably for thinking up awards).  Even we are not immune.  See, this all started earlier this year when we won the coveted “GQ Anonymous Reader of the Year award,” surprisingly beating out someone or other for the honor (we’re sure we bested about a million people).

Best of all, the award comes with a free six-month magazine subscription, which we’ve always wanted but didn’t know how to get. We didn’t mention this award previously because we don’t like to brag.  But it’s the holidays, which means by law you are required to forgive us. So we’re bragging.

On top of that, just last month our very own son (the one we’re aware of, anyway) earned one of the Cub Scout’s highest honors, the patch for “Super-Awesomest Dad in the History of, Like, the Entire Universe.” We weren’t even aware this patch existed until last month when we told our son that’s what it meant and, despite his repeated protests, he had to tell anyone who asked that that’s what it meant. He proceeded to display an epic face-palm which, as you may know, is secret Cub Scout code for “Here we go again.”  Anyway, that counts as an award for us as far as we’re concerned.

To complete the trifecta, we also won Sexiest Legs.  Thank you Animal Planet.

So it’s been a good year for awards, with just one disappointment. Somehow we never made it into Maxim. We made sure to buy every issue this year and look at every picture to see when we would be featured, but it didn’t happen. We think that’s because the magazine is clearly sexist and only features rather attractive famous women who are probably famous because they were in Maxim. Honestly, we had no idea that’s what the magazine was about.  But we plan on buying every issue in 2014 as well just to make sure we’re right. Don’t worry; we’ll unmask this conspiracy, even if it means looking through every FHM just to compare.

The worst offender of awards season is the Grammys, who give awards for absolutely everything, including mentioning the Grammys (we now own two  Grammys … oops, three). But at least they’re straightforward.  The movie industry on the other hand, needs to get it together.

Every movie awards ceremony is a precursor to the next one which is a precursor to the Oscars. The various “Film Critics Circle” awards from several cities who think they’re cooler than Chicago, but they aren’t, are barometers for the Golden Globes. The Golden Globes are consolation prizes for Emmy losers, but they are also barometers for the film unions, like the SAG awards, or the Directors Guild awards.  Those awards point the way to the Academy Awards. Unfortunately, this process is fraught with randomness, which makes it difficult for the honest guy laying a buck down in Vegas to beat to the odds come Oscar time. We propose organizing these awards into a tournament.

First, anyone nominated for a People’s Choice award is automatically disqualified. Next, the winners from the critics circles face off in the Golden Globes. The winners of the Globes are automatically entered into the Academy Awards, unless they are a comedy. The winners of the various movie unions face off against the Globe winners for Oscar glory.

Like fantasy football, all these awards ceremonies would now mean something. And since they now mean something, then they will probably ALL be televised.  Wouldn’t that just be super-awesome?

And we graciously accept the award for this idea.