Welcome to MojoFiction’s compendium of the top 10 stories you won’t find on Reddit (or wherever young people hang out on the internet because we’re cool like they are). We’ve curated our list to keep up with the importantly useless topics of the past few weeks. All 10 of them.
- Recently, Stephen Colbert made us buy two pints of his ice cream because, apparently, we’re being charitable by doing so and that makes it okay to inhale two pints of ice cream (our doctor disagreed). And if you think we’re name-dropping Stephen Colbert just to get you to read our blog, we’d counter that accusation by arguing that, yes, we are doing exactly that.
- We love NBC’s show The Voice a lot more than we should. You know, like when your wife wakes up in the middle of the night and finds you glued to your laptop in the den. You quickly close it and say, “What?” but there was no mistaking the sound of a 4-chair turn and Blake Shelton saying “Yeehaw!”
- The U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team lost to Trinidad and Tobago and will, therefore, not qualify for the 2018 World Cup in Russia. If you don’t think that’s useless information, you don’t live in Europe.
- MojoFiction does not live in Europe.
- We recently purchased the Blizzard Mountain DLC for Forza Horizon 3 for Xbox (not that wussy PlayStation 4). It turns out that a helicopter can drop a Subaru 20 feet onto an icy mountain surface with no damage to the car or driver, allowing the driver to race down the mountain against a pack of Hoonigan Drivatars that suddenly appear out of nowhere and somehow the driver only takes 4th place, which is ridiculous. Video games cheat.
- MojoFiction was that driver.
- Forza Horizon 3 side note: you can fit your Pagani with snow tires. Why? WHY???
- The Chicago Cubs took on the Washington Nationals today in the NLDS and lost in embarrassing fashion in the late innings. …We were not at that game.
- If we were at that game, we would lie and say we weren’t.
- Did you know that if you put plug your headphones into an AM radio source and listen to MLB playoff games at the office that you will get almost no work done? We ran extensive scientific testing and discovered that this is completely true.
- Did you know that if you use Apple’s Air Pods for the same thing that you will be a douche?
- MojoFiction has not written any book reviews recently because we’re knee-deep in Stephen King’s “It.” “It” is the length of 4 books, so our next review will count for 4. It’s too late, you agreed. No take-backs.
- The good folks at MojoFiction can’t count.